Are you ready to start doing the work? This is the question I imagined my mentor really asking yesterday when we talked about my pretty extreme trust issues.
She was gentle and kind in her asking. But I felt it like a punch to the gut. I mean, how did she know that I was holding back and talking around my REAL fears and insecurities? Was it that obvious?
Could everyone else see the mistrust and scepticism I usually kept buried painted all over my face? Maybe I wasn't as good at hiding it as I thought. Or perhaps, I was finally letting my guard down a bit...
I'm a slowly recovering conflict avoider. I'd way rather take on the work of 2 by myself than risk having an argument about something or, God forbid, asking for help or sharing the load.
The deep truth here is that my conflict avoidance really came from my fear of being rejected or judged. I had no confidence in my ability to handle someone else's dislike or indifference towards me and would do everything in my power to make myself easy to get along with.
Sounds like a pretty solid plan, right? Wrong! This sort of self-talk bullshit is toxic to our soul. It keeps us disconnected from our true nature as emanations from source and keeps us disconnected from each other.
This martyrdom of sorts is such a load of crap! It only ends up creating resentment and the worst kind of betrayal - the dishonouring and distrust of ourselves.
I had a conversation with my partner Matt about how I can't stand hurting people and would way rather suffer myself than tell my truth or ask for what I need. His response was short and sweet - that's just your ego.
This was exactly what I needed to hear. No nonsense. Straight to the truth of it. I was holding back because my ego self was afraid of rejection. Basically, I was taking on everyone else's stuff and not owning my own.
As Byron Katie, the founder of the inquiry-based practice The Work, would say, "stay in your own business".
So, that's what I'm going to do.
To answer the unasked question of my mentor, Janne, Yes! I AM ready to start doing to work.
I'm ready to have the tough conversations. I'm ready to share what I'm really feeling rather than the watered down stale sort of knockoff version I usually offer. And most importantly, I'm ready to be myself again.